


Spiral

by Lesbian_Propaganda



Category: Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice
Genre: Also there’s an explanation for my unannounced hiatus in the end notes, F/F, How do I use tags I haven’t uploaded anything in a while, Just a kinda venty one-shot, Kinda like a drabble but a bit longer??, TW for substance and alcohol abuse, This is not very long at all oops, This technically would fit into canon since it’s pre-show, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 02:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17931032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lesbian_Propaganda/pseuds/Lesbian_Propaganda
Summary: Things were rough back in med school.





	Spiral

She scoffed at the idea of it ‘making aches fade away’, because that wasn’t it at all. 

Alcohol. 

It was far more wonderful than that, she thought, a feeling unique to itself. Warm, and welcoming, despite its harsh bite as it slid down her throat. ‘Fade’ wasn’t the right word; rather, it set fire to the ache, illuminating her body, danger and beauty and comfort all in one shot. Of course, one turned to two, and two turned to four, a binary fission of a spiral she had no ability nor desire to stop. Why would she?

This thing didn’t harm her, didn’t abandon her. It was there to save her from the onslaught of responsibilities thrown at her, things she had never wanted, not since she was forced to become an adult at 5. Her premature maturity had lasted less than 10 years, when mom left the liquor cabinet unlocked and big sis Nancy made her pinky promise she wouldn’t tell if she was allowed a drink. As her age grew and grew, so did her dependence on escapism via any means, usually means that her stupid brother would lecture her on. He lived in such a black and white world. Drugs are bad. Alcohol is bad. Grow up, Amelia. She could almost hear his scolding tone, lecturing her on what he believed to be true, and honestly, she pitied him. Close-mindedness like that would never lead to her kind of happiness.

Happiness was an interesting way to describe it, though. Sometimes the light was too bright, too much, bleaching her in its colour, emptying anything that was once there inside her. Honestly, she kind of enjoyed the emptiness. It was magical to her how, sealed in a little bottle or hidden in a pill, was the ability to forget, to shut off, to ignore her family’s concerns and lack of understanding, to not care that the pretty blonde girl didn’t want somebody so volatile, to pretend that her studies weren’t being forgotten more quickly than she learned them. Johns Hopkins. What a joke. She didn’t belong with all these pompous twats, so smug in their competence. She considered leaving, but she knew if she did that, her mother would never be off her case. Besides, she was a Shepherd. She had a responsibility to go through med school before she was even born. Of course, back then she had no idea that she’d be known to the snobs as nothing more than Derek’s unstable baby sister, but she should’ve guessed. These people cared so deeply about reputation that she figured the pressure would destroy at least a few of them. 

She did like the blonde girl, though. She didn’t really fit either, but not for the same reasons. She was a little older, and a lot more popular, first in her class, beloved by all. She seemed to be surrounded by a different kind of light entirely, completely irritating and blinding and yet infatuating. If they were in the same year, maybe she’d be more interested, but ‘maybe’ was a rabbit hole and one she didn’t particularly care to go down. Forget it. She’ll never care, so neither would she. Besides, she has better things to do with her time.

But still, she can’t help but feel a little guilty, and the booze she’d drinking leaves a bitter aftertaste. She’s letting everybody down. Not in her eyes, of course, but in theirs, and she knows that. Recognises the disappointed look in her mom’s eyes when she visits occasionally, despite the fact that she takes such great care to hide the pills. She tells her she’s clean. They both know she’s lying, but neither says anything more. And at Christmas, Liz warily stays away, and Kathleen tries to hard to help, and Nancy sneers, and Derek won’t meet her gaze even if she tries. God, she was sick to death of being the family disaster. She couldn’t help but wish that one of her sisters would slip up, just to take the heat off of her. Not Derek, though. Big brother was too good at keeping up his appearance. God, how she despised him. But he wasn’t there right now, and she’d drink to that. 

Sometimes, she noticed herself regret some of her decisions. The whole idea of her being the golden child appealed more than she cared to admit. She was smart, no question. If she tried, she knew she’d do more than just alright. But she’d screwed up so many times that at this point her hopes of succeeding were completely crumbling, her dreams falling like dominos, crashing like waves. Regret was a disease, she knew, one best cured with a needle and a couple shots, before it got too out of hand and she did something stupid.

But still, she can’t help but feel a little guilty, and the booze she’d drinking leaves a bitter aftertaste. She’s letting everybody down. Not in her eyes, of course, but in theirs, and she knows that. Recognises the disappointed look in her mom’s eyes when she visits occasionally, despite the fact that she takes such great care to hide the pills. She tells her she’s clean. They both know she’s lying, but neither says anything more. And at Christmas, Liz warily stays away, and Kathleen tries to hard to help, and Nancy sneers, and Derek won’t meet her gaze even if she tries. God, she was sick to death of being the family disaster. She couldn’t help but wish that one of her sisters would slip up, just to take the heat off of her. Not Derek, though. Big brother was too good at keeping up his appearance. God, how she despised him. But he wasn’t there right now, and she’d drink to that. 

Sometimes, she noticed herself regret some of her decisions. The whole idea of her being the golden child appealed more than she cared to admit. She was smart, no question. If she tried, she knew she’d do more than just alright. But she’d screwed up so many times that at this point her hopes of succeeding were completely crumbling, her dreams falling like dominos, crashing like waves. Regret was a disease, she knew, one best cured with a needle and a couple shots, before it got too out of hand and she did something stupid.

Someday, she thought. She didn’t like to give herself the privilege of thinking about her future often - getting to attached to something so uncertain was ridiculous, worthless, not something she should do. But even so, she couldn’t help her mind wandering as she swallowed the last of her stash and washed it down with some vile, cheap vodka. Someday she’d sort her shit out, one way or the other. Either get help or die, whichever appealed more. Because even though it seemed so distant now, she knew eventually that she’d have to decide. 

Maybe if she got her act together, the blonde might finally smile at her.

**Author's Note:**

> So, the reason for my unannounced hiatus is kinda personal, but in short, I won’t be able to upload fics very regularly for... well, a few years. I’m sorry about it, but it’s completely out of my hands. Anyways, I essentially wrote this all in one sitting after feeling like I needed to vent about some personal issues, so... naturally, everything personal must go straight to the internet!


End file.
